It's still a man's world out there...but it takes a woman to give hope...

Flawed she may be...tell me, who isn't?...change is what the rust belt working class voters may have wanted...even if it was based on a divisive rhetoric and undefined economic policies...but I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that millions of college educated women, went into polling booths on November 8th and probably prior to that, to cast a ballot against Hillary Clinton...to vote for a misogynist...or maybe for a third party...either way, against her ...their votes just could have made the difference...whether we want to accept it or not, sexism exists...and let us not fool ourselves by trying to make ourselves believe that sexism originates and ends with the men of the world...the fact that it is still a man's world today and something like what happened on November 8, is still possible has as much to do with  women's perception of their place in the world as it has to do with the inability of some(or maybe most) men to accept women as equals.

A lot was at stake in this election...all of us know that...and no amount of reiterating what those stakes were matters now...but the statistic associated with college educated women is pretty startling...I would have expected a statistic more in the lines of 75%-25% or even better in favor of Hillary Clinton among college educated women, but as shocking as it is , the support she got in this demographic was significantly lower...essentially a significant number  of the college educated women chose to vote for a misogynist, someone who has demeaned women in all possible ways throughout the campaign, or they  voted for a third party candidate (which almost made their vote meaningless in the big picture)...

At times throughout the campaign I had heard sound bites from some women(fortunately just a handful in the part of the world where I live)...'oh she needs to demonstrate her vulnerability', 'she should start by dressing like a woman', 'all I care about is lower taxes', 'everyone votes along party lines', 'she is too ambitious'(a women's place is in the kitchen kinds)...I cringed at all these moments...but fortunately for me, there were  many more women around me who cared about what matters to me...'decency','graciousness', 'experience', 'advocate for children','advocate for women', 'advocate for minorities',
'advocate of hope', 'advocate of the belief in the greatness and the goodness of the  United States of America and all it's people', 'advocate of a woman's right over her own body', 'advocate of education', 'advocate for LGBT rights', 'advocate for the disabled'...never in my wildest dreams had I imagined that the former category of women existed in big numbers or that they would vote in such huge numbers against her...sad, but true...there may have been many factors in play in the election ...but given the stakes for humanity and women, I really do feel let down by this first category of women...these are educated women, many of whom are probably raising little women of their own...most of them are eons away from any economic calamity...most of these educated women have been blessed with the intelligence to understand the stakes...to differentiate fake news from real news...to differentiate manipulation from reality...to differentiate truth from lies...yet they chose to use their vote to endorse fear over hope...to take a chance with change, knowing very well that it could potentially be very dangerous change...it's beyond what I can wrap my head around...

The day after the election, I woke up with a sinking feeling...I couldn't make myself watch the concession speech...knew I would tear up...so I read the transcript instead...I wept nevertheless...for those who haven't seen or read it...it's a must...and then yesterday, I listened to Hillary's first speech since her concession speech last Wednesday, where she spoke at a dinner for the Children's Defense Fund ...http://time.com/4575126/hillary-clinton-childrens-defense-fund-transcript/...

Whether you like her or you don't, whether you voted for her or you did not...listen to this and the part where she speaks about her mother...and I will quote here..."And then finally, as some of you heard me say during the campaign, I draw hope and sustenance from another person who influenced my life and still does every day, my mother. I have talked about her difficult childhood. She was abandoned by her parents when she was just 8 years old. They put her on a train to California all by herself in charge of her little sister, who was three years younger. She ended up in California, where she was mistreated by her grandparents, ended up on her own, working as a housemaid. She beat the odds. She found a way to offer me the boundless love and support she never received herself. I think about her every day and sometimes I think about her on that train. I wish I could walk down the aisle and find the little wooden seat where she sat, holding tight to her younger sister, all alone and terrified. She doesn’t yet know how much more she will have to face and even suffer. She doesn’t yet know she will find the strength to escape that suffering. That’s still years off. Her whole future is unknown, as it is for all of us, as she stares out at the vast country moving past her. And I dream of going up to her and sitting next to her and taking her in my arms and saying, “Look, look at me and listen. You will survive, you will have a family of your own, three children, and as hard as it might be to imagine, your daughter will grow up to be a United States Senator, represent our country as Secretary of State and win more than 62 million votes for President of the United States""...

I wish this gives you hope and the resilience to get back up  whenever you feel down and out...

Yes in her own words, "We haven't still shattered the highest/hardest glass ceiling. But someday, someone will. And hopefully it will be sooner than we may have imagined"...

To me, the mother of a 5 year old little girl, Hillary Clinton embodies resilience, graciousness and hope...and irrespective of what your political views may be, as flawed women of the 21st century, let's give her the respect she deserves for reaching as far as she did...for being the trailblazer for our little girls...

I am fortunate to have a husband who is a passionate advocate for women's rights...and as uncertainty prevails, basic human rights stay threatened, women's rights remain at stake...'H' inspires us to
choose hope over fear, love over hate...to never give up...to continue to fight for what seems right ...

We can only hope that in our lifetime, we will be able to see many more instances of people choosing love over hate, hope over fear, togetherness over divisiveness, facts over rhetoric...and choices like the one made on November 8 are anomalies rather than the norm...

The pangs of growing up...

I started writing this as a comment to a blog post by a very dear friend of mine, and then realized, it may be worth pondering upon in this blog, so that I can come back to it at some point of time later in life, and validate/repudiate parenting decisions, as the children grow up...Am I not glad that the kids are years away from adolescence now!:)

What triggered this note is this article on ‘Girls and their frenemies'...I couldn't agree more that as kids grow up, both boys and girls, it is absolutely essential to educate them on how to protect themselves and help protect others in the context of all the things/scenarios the article mentions. Though the article focusses on the need to educate girls, I am sure most of us agree that it is equally important to educate our boys...we need to talk to them about being comfortable in their own skin... about respecting others and their beliefs, while learning to stand up for one's own ...about dignity of labor...help them develop empathy...help them develop honest communication mechanisms...teach them to be assertive when needed, help them develop self-compassion, a positive relationship with their body, talk to them about the importance of standing up to bullying and not  resorting to bullying...teach them the importance of being able to say no, the importance of not ending up being just people pleasers...talk to them about sex, paedophiles, good touch, bad touch, on-line grooming, sexting, the harm caused by drug use, alcohol use, pornography...and who knows what other demons may be added to this already long list of things to protect oneself from in the adolescent years of our children.

What got me thinking though is what the article mentions as the  more likely destructive influence on an adolescent girl’s day to day life(boys are really fortunate if they don't have to deal with this...I am not completely sure that's indeed the case, though ..but oh well)...Coming back to the article, it mentions that the  more likely destructive influence on an adolescent girl’s day to day life is the damage girls do to one another in their friendship/peer groups...the article calls it 'relational aggression'. I believe it requires a lot of caution when talking to adolescent children about this...for
there is a very thin line between teaching our children to protect themselves from relational aggression vs teaching  them  to learn to assert themselves, compromise and set boundaries in relationships/friendships...or are both these really the same thing...I, for one, am not sure..

As far as relational aggression, as defined by the article is concerned, I wonder what was really different when WE were growing up…looking back and when I think about it now, I am sure I have had a fair share of interactions with frenemies, upstanders, supporters and distractors(as defined in the article)...I have memories of myself standing up for friends, who I believed, were not being treated fairly...I have memories of not standing up for folks, whose ideals did not conform with my own ...funnily enough those ideals themselves have evolved over time...I also have memories of friends standing up for me...and those that didn't...I continue to learn in relationships and friendships in this 35+ years of life...

So here's the thing, even without being proactively talked to by teachers or parents about "relational aggression", I did eventually end up developing mechanisms to deal with different people, as I grew up, learning to minimize the hurt that one is capable of feeling in so many instances and maximizing the bliss that friendships can potentially bring in…you know what I mean ... I have to admit most of the lessons were learnt the tough way and the learning never really stops...sometimes there is just no easy way of learning these life lessons...but the point I am trying to make here is, by not being proactively made aware of concepts like "relational aggression"(as defined in the article),
when I was still an adolescent, cynicism stayed out from my life for the longest possible time...I feel I had a fair chance at building and developing  friendships, that go on to become parts of a lifelong support system...

Now coming to the generation, that has the privilege of growing up to become adolescents in this technology 'infested', fast moving, incredibly fast growing , competitive and increasingly complicated  21st century...I wonder, how important it  is for adolescents to learn these lessons(like "relational aggression") proactively...wouldn’t it make them cynical in relationships and friendships, that for all you know have the potential to become a part of a lifelong support system...or is it that the potential bruises of learning lessons the hard way and the repercussions thereafter, in this context, is a much, much bigger risk than potentially losing out on building a lifelong friendship/relationship?

I, for one, don't have an answer and  I am glad that our kids are years away from adolescence ...and that gives us the time to hopefully figure this out in time... to make a right decision for them. But...do you?

Something to ponder about...
Happy Thursday folks!

Our rising kindergartener and her 'village' of 4+ years...

This seems like a really significant week for me...Raya starts kindergarten early next week...and yes, it's time for some introspection...exactly 4 years and 4 months back to date, 'D' and I made and followed through one of the toughest decisions of our lives...it was to drop off our then only child, our little 7.5 month old munchkin, at the AOL child development center, while each of us headed out to work...to pursue professions that we are passionate about...work that keeps us sane and grounded...The month preceding that day and the month following that day were a couple of the toughest months of my life....the month preceding that day was full of deliberations...ifs...whats...whys...hows...about me going back to work and what would be the best caretaking option for Raya, with me being back at work...it didn't help when some friends and family questioned my choice to go back to work and what it would mean for Raya... the month following that day, was filled with monitoring our little one in the classroom, through video cameras(day in day out) and rationalizing our decision to send her in...and yes, today it's exactly 4 years and 4 months, since that day in April,2012...and let's just say we haven't looked back...

So we just got back from a trip to Miami...On our way in, on the flight, Raya was seated in the middle seat of a row...I was in the aisle seat of the same row with little Rayan in tow......a girl in  her late twenties had the window seat...she was apparently headed, on a work trip, to Miami and had to get into a meeting straight from the airport...she didn't seem very interested in small talk and I don't think she was looking forward to having an active 4+ year old sitting right next to her on a three hour flight...oh well...I tried to give Raya enough heads up about not going into the chit chat mode...but I guess that was too much to ask of her...5 minutes into the flight and she was actively engaged in trying to start a conversation with the lady next to her..."Are you going to the beach?"..."Do you live in Virginia?"...The lady answered in monosyllables and tried turning her head away...but nothing could stop the little munchkin..."Are you going straight to office?" LOL...Monosyllable responses followed...I was gettting fidgety and wanted Raya to stop trying to chit chat...and then..."Did you watch the Olympics?"...that got the lady's attention and she  suddenly turned her head to fully face Raya, "Yes, I did! Did you?"...That was enough to make Raya continue, "I watched gymnastics and swimming. I looove Simone and Gabby"...her tone almost made it seem Simone Biles and Gabby Williams were her childhood buddies...now the lady was completely engaged in an animated converstaion with Raya....Raya continued and among other things, told the lady how much she disliked onions and declared, " You know I want to swim like Michael Phelps and Lodecky"...I am guessing 'Lodecky' was supposed to refer to Katie Ledecky...In the very same breath, she continued, "When I grow up, I want to be a singer and soccer player"..."I want to sing like Adele"...The lady gave Raya a quick peck on the cheek...looked at me ...and both of us chuckled, as Raya steered the conversation back to the lady and asked, "Are you dressed for office?"...Before the conversation proceeded any further or got uncomfortable or even worse
got into the "Are you voting for Hillary? Donald Trump will build walls" zone, I gave Raya  the tablet and told her to watch a movie...The "Hillary/ Donald Trump " question was what she had asked her granddad a couple of weeks back...She reluctantly(for a change) took the tablet, with an "OK mamma". While I would have loved to see where the converstaion was headed and keep her away from screen time...I wanted to make sure we did not end up making our co-passenger uncomfortable...the rest of the flight was uneventful ...As I watched little Raya get immersed in the movie, I couldn't help but wonder...how these past 4+ years have whizzed past...how the baby babbles have transformed into full fledged conversations...and all I could do is cross my fingers and heart, be grateful and say a  little prayer...by God's grace, 'D' and I have 'managed' to manage this first phase of Raya's life reasonably well, without letting go of our own...who knows what life has in store for her...who knows what the future holds for Raya...like everything else in life, I am sure it will be full of ifs, buts, whys and whats...choices that will be made and shape her life...

But I believe, every once in a while, as life whizzes past, we should try to pause and celebrate what 'is', rather than what 'was' or 'will be'...

Raya is today 2 weeks short of her 5th birthday...she is one week away from starting kindergarten...she will be one of the youngest in her class...but we do believe that she is ready for the challenges of public school...she has grown up to be one of those who needs constant challenges to keep her going...She loves 'mac and cheese' and 'hot dogs'...she also loves 'butter rice'('makhon bhaat')...yes she is Indian American indeed :)...she wants to be a soccer player, when she grows up...she wants to be able to sing like Adele...she loves Bollywood...she wants to swim like Michael Phelps and Katie Ledecky... she loves reading...she wants everyone to vote for Hillary Clinton...she is scared of three headed monsters...she still makes her way into our bedroom in the wee hours of the morning, cuddles with her mamma and baba and then in her sleep pushes us to the edges of the bed while she takes over the entire king sized bed...and like all 4+ year olds, she throws her own share of tantrums...sometimes for reasons unknown...

Today I want to pause just for a moment to celebrate my little baby, before she starts a new phase of life in elementary school...a part of what Raya has grown up to become as a 4+ year old, is her inherent personality...a part of it is the effort 'D' and I put in as parents...iterating through a process of good and 'not so good' parenting choices, as we are constantly learning, ourselves...but a gynormous and very important part of Raya's development these 4+ years has to be attributed to the 'village' that has helped us through this process...our extended families...and the absolutely wonderful, loving, caring group of caregivers and teachers at the AOL child development center...I can't agree more with the fact that "it takes a village" to bring up a child...Today I want to pause to thank them all...today I want to celebrate the 'village' that has nurtured Raya and helped her  blossom these past 4+ years...for I would not have been able to stay sane, 'hungry' and 'foolish'(in a profession that requires me to stay 'hungry' and 'foolish') without this support system ...

Who knows what the future holds for Raya...like everything else in life, it will probably be full of ifs, buts, whys and whats...good and 'not so good' choices that will be made and will shape her life and destiny ...but today, I want to  celebrate what 'is'...a.k.a Raya and her little "village" of  4+ years...without thinking of what 'could have been' or 'will be'...

So, thank you!

Baby 'RAYAN' and ramblings from these last few months...

I wrote this blogpost a little more than 4 years back when little Ms Raya was almost 5 months old. She is ready to start Kindergarten this September...but apparently, in her own words, she instead wants to be a 'teenager' soon...LOL...it's a different thing that she assumes any kid a couple of years older than her is a 'teenager'(wonder where she learnt that word from and what she assumes, becoming a teenager will entail)...I, on the other hand, am looking for a magic potion to make the years with the little ones stall or at least go by a wee bit more slower...Oh well!

Our second little munchkin, Rayan, turned 5 months old last week...yes you heard right, the names are 'Raya' and 'Rayan', indeed...I was given ample warning by 'D' that the names are too similar...but, oh well... I really liked the sound and vibe of it...'Rayan'...short, simple yet eloquent. In Persian, 'Rayan means 'the wise', in Sanskrit it means 'noble'/'little prince', in old British English, it means 'brilliant' and in Jewish, it means 'graceful'. It, of course, remains to be seen,
whether the various interpretations of his name will bear any relevance to the individual he grows up to become...that, only time will tell...we will just have to wait and watch...

As for us, for now, we are busy 'many fold', if I may call it that...but more relaxed, as parents...
I feel that's the 'second child syndrome'...you are just not as paranoid about each little runny nose , poop or sneeze as you were the first time around with your first born...life, for now, is filled with the smiles, babbles, coos, rolls, twists and not to forget drool and wet diapers of a 5 month old together with the laughter, chatter, somersaults, words of wisdom and tantrums of a 4.5 year old...yes, life is super busy...but life is blessed...

As for the 'Raya-Rayan' dynamics, let's just say the 'love' is beginning to finally flow after a tumultuous, initial few months of insecurity that 'big' sister Raya seemed to be going
through, despite the fact that more of our attention was focussed on making her feel comfortable and happy, since Rayan came along. Oh well, you will never know what goes through a 4 year old's mind when she  has to share all the people, love, affection and things she has ever known with another little creature... and this time not just for a 'playdate' :)... All well now,though...big sister Raya has her own ways of showing affection to her little brother, 'Rayan' (I will not claim to approve of all her ways of demonstrating affection, though, lol), but the affection is there, growing and flowing...so that's something to be elated about :)

On the work front, I am back at work and working on a really  exciting project...so that makes staying away from my little baby just a little bit more easier...

On another note , the last month and a half has been a wake up call for me...three weeks of undiagnosed, high fevers that would come back every evening and just didn't seem to want
to go away...it was scary, to say the least...but for now, the fever is gone and hasn't come back for a couple of weeks...touch wood...the wake up call was needed though to put things in perspective...to count the blessings...to re-focus on things that should matter and things that shouldn't...

On yet another note, my folks left last week after spending 5 months with us...We were lucky to have them be a part of some important life events, including Rayan's birth and a move to a new home. Miss them a lot.... the kiddos miss them even more... but then we do have to learn to live life, being just the four of us!! That's how it just is and will be... just feel happy and blessed to have them be a part of these precious life milestones.

So that's that...now...I was writing thank you notes to Raya and Rayan's teachers yesterday, the week being teacher appreciation week and for a change, I was not using key strokes to write that up...was putting a pen to paper...trying to write something warm and nice to some affectionate and lovely caretakers  in what I wanted to be a 'beautiful' handwriting...I was aghast, when I was struggling to keep the handwriting even legible and decent...it was eons away from 'beautiful'...and like it often does on such occasions, I was struck with a stab of pain...what a loss...I am sure, it's not me alone, who feels the loss of the 'art of calligraphy' with this stab of pain...an art that had and in fact, still has the power to make or mar my day...let's just say I am one of those 'mushies' who can be made to feel warm and fuzzy by a hand written note...ok ok...of course, I am not talking about the handwritten post-it notes, which are written and re-written with a never ending compilation of to-do tasks...neither am I talking about all those tid-bits of hand written wrotes lying around at my work desk...stuff that I tend to jot down involuntarily, as I think through an analysis or design, at work...I am talking about that little handwritten 'thank you' note, 'birthday wish' or a simple 'thinking of you' note that can convey more than the million words we may type out in emails, text messages and IMs...primarily driven by the overabundance of technological gadgets and  the overall 'taking over of life' by technology...that's that...

But then early this morning, before leaving for day care, when I saw the eyes of my kids light up, as they interacted with their grandparents on Skype, when I saw just a little bit of the 'pain of parting' being taken away by that instantaneous connection that technology provided...when I saw the eyes of the grandparents brighten, as they interacted with their grandchildren, with the realization that life will not pass them by, as the kids grow up...with the realization that they can still be a part and parcel of every little moment of their grandchildrens' life, even though physically thousands of miles away...again primarily being driven by technology and the overall 'taking over of life' by technology...it all fell into place, like it always does:)...I had written a blogpost on similar lines, almost 7 years back (wow I have managed to keep this blog alive huh for that long,  lol)...Jokes apart, the last line of that post sums it up really well...'After all, it’s just that in the circle of life, whether we like it or not, we lose something to find something else'…

On that note and feeling less guilty now, of course :),  about maintaining a web journal, rather than a paper journal, I am back to blogosphere.

Happy Friday folks!