2020 - A year of loss, love, reflection, learning and gratitude

Last year at this time, we were in India with our extended families ...my dearest Papa, in his jolliest of moods, ready to party on New Year's Eve. His untimely passing has been one of the cruelest facts of the year 2020 for us. Tough to imagine that the next time I visit India, he will not be there at the airport peeking out from behind the crowd , waving at us! As difficult as it has been to reconcile with his untimely passing, I do believe that in small ways and big, I have figured out coping mechanisms and ways to come to terms with it....it definitely has not been easy and there are still times I get overwhelmed with waves of grief, but overall I have learnt to derive solace from the belief that he is in a better place and is looking over us from above, at all times. So today when we raise a toast to usher in a new year, it will be a toast to him, his life and all that his life has taught us.

In the midst of this enormous loss, that the year 2020 brought with it, the year has also provided a lot of time for reflection, and as dark as it has sometimes appeared to be, there are a lot of things I am grateful for, as I look back at the year gone by. Grateful for having been able to spend time with Papa and the extended family at the beginning of the year... for being able to bid Papa goodbye, the way he would have wanted and spend some quality time with my mom, brother and extended family right after he passed (The pandemic related lockdowns started right after I got back to the US from India and I know a lot of folks who have lost loved ones during the pandemic, without having been  able to say proper goodbyes)....Grateful for all the human bonds he has left behind ...it's surreal how the loss of my father has further strengthened the sibling bond between my brother and I...Grateful for the social distancing (Yes!!) in the early days of the pandemic...it provided me with the much needed time to spend just with the family and heal...Grateful for my ambivert personality trait that enables me to be content within the four walls of the house, when needed, without being bogged down by the lack of sufficient external in-person interaction ... Grateful for a profession that keeps me excited and sane (and that hasn't required me to expose myself/family to undue risk during the pandemic)...Grateful for a supportive partner who shares absolutely all responsibilities equally and more: home, kids,work...and is a super cook too:)...Grateful for kids, who have adapted and figured out ways to deal with lifestyle changes that the  pandemic has brought about( as much as I may tell them that they drive me insane with their antics...and as much as I dislike to admit it, it's their antics that actually provide the semblance of sanity...as paradoxical as it sounds!)...Grateful to all, who have had to put their own lives, and the lives of their near and dear ones , at risk to keep all of us safe...Grateful for the extended family and friends, with whom I have been able to stay connected or have been able to reconnect over the course of the year....And yes, grateful for technology,(ironic indeed that Netflix's documentary, "The Social Dilemma", that highlights some of the darkest impacts of technology on human relations was released in 2020) that has helped me keep connected with near and dear ones across the globe. It would have been close to impossible to survive this year, personally and professionally, without the technological advances of the past decade....Above all, grateful for the sense of togetherness that this year has been about, despite being often physically thousands of miles apart from near and dear ones.

In other news, Raya turned 9 this year. The social butterfly that she is, she has had to adapt the most in terms of getting used to the virtual learning scenario and the lack of sufficient social interactions (or at least as much as she would have liked). She has adapted really well, I have to say, and has figured out ways to keep herself engaged. She keeps us up to date about the happenings in the "youth" music world. She also introduced herself and us to the genre of AcrobaticsArts, specifically AcroDance. She is also training herself (self training) in this genre and the amount of progress she has made,  without any formal training is pretty amazing. I specifically find it incredible given my own lack of body flexibility LOL. For those who may not be aware(much like I was not), AcrobaticArts , more specifically AcroDance is a unique blend of dancing and gymnastics disciplines, that is taking the dance world by storm. Stunning moves from gymnastics are blended with steps and routines from the dance world for a unique and modern approach to dance. She continues dabbling with the piano and has also recently started her blog: https://rayalingo.wordpress.com/blog/ and vlog/youtube channel : https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCSuB-wAIP_XAYVFtkP0efEQ . Hopefully she will share more about her interest in AcroDance through one of those mediums . Leaving you with a glimpse of some of the various poses we see her in during different times of the day :)

Little Rayan turned 5 this year. He is growing up fast and has developed quite the sense of humor...his timely wisecracks keep us entertained, for sure. How I wish I could keep him a baby forever! He hasn't started elementary school yet and was in pre-school prior to the pandemic related lockdown started, so once Raya's elementary school full time virtual learning kicked in, Rayan was beginning to get a bit frustrated, not having anyone to play with during the day. So we started sending him back to pre-school for three days a week with due precautions. So far that has worked out well. Fingers crossed. He ended 2020 making his "big mountain" skiing ‘debut’ (that’s what I choose to call it!:)) and joined big sis and dad on some exciting trails while beating mom down most slopes LOL. He has been so excited ever since, that he is ready to go back to the mountains next time it snows! Credit for introducing both kids to the joys of skiing, up in the mountains, goes to their dad...

After a day on the slopes last week, I was talking to the kids about the need to "Be safe , while being brave" when skiing...As soon as I completed my sentence, Master Rayan quipped in with , " But Mama, being safe is always brave, right?" I was taken aback by the alacrity and the spontaneity of his remark...but it sure did sound profound! On that note, I do hope  all of you have had a safe, healthy and warm holiday season, filled with the love and affection of near and dear ones. Hopefully I will get back to writing more often this year, than I have been doing the last couple of years. To think of it, this blog is now 12 years old. If not anything else, I have managed to keep it alive with a slow trickle of posts...

Wish you all a new year filled with love, light, laughter, health and happiness! May the new year bring with it cheer and hope for all.

My Dearest Papa - Father, Friend and Guardian Angel

My dearest “Papa” had many academic and professional accomplishments to his name. But today, I will not speak of those. Today it’s time to celebrate his spirit, his zest for life and his over powering optimism...the impact he directly/indirectly had on many a life due to his generosity and kindness of heart!

Papa was a dreamer, an optimist and someone who could light up the day of a 4 year old and 70 year old alike. He had a zest for life like no other. In more ways than one, Papa and I are kindred spirits - love for chocolates, cheese, roadtrips and engineering aside, I am also a dreamer just like him! Oh and of course, I am as clumsy as he. While he acknowledged having a kindred spirit in his first born, Papa lived his life through his second born, my little brother Ashish. He was always super excited and pumped about whatever Ashish did. No one knows better than I how proud Papa was of all the qualities that Ashish inherently has/has developed that Papa knew he himself lacked, and more. No one was prouder than Papa of his little boy’s accomplishments.

Papa was an unconventional dad. To him, being happy and content in what we did and how we lived was more important than conforming to any societal norms. He was a friend not just to his kids, but my mother and all our cousins and friends. Growing up, whenever my friends visited home, they would always look forward to seeing him and chatting with him, because he was just such a “cool” dad. No conversation was off bounds...academics, politics, boyfriends, whiskey, philosophy, cars, travel. His jovial nature and zest for life has left a mark on many!

Stellar academic qualifications aside, Papa was a true engineer and innovator par excellence. Curious at the core, always learning something new and applying it to come up with innovative concepts...be it petrochemicals , textiles, bamboo or his latest passion - Aeroponics and Hydroponics farming. He was always up to discovering new things! This summer, when he was visiting us in Northern Virginia, Dipanjan and I observed Papa in the office room, ardently at work, drawing engineering diagrams from scratch for his new Aeroponics and Hydroponics venture. The level of detail in his hand drawings was mind boggling. You could literally pick them up and build the machines he was designing. Imagine that, in this “technology based design” obsessed world!

Oh, and did I tell you about his love for jackets and sweatshirts!  He would often get a earful from both Ma and I about carrying an entourage of jackets and sweatshirts to a warm vacation spot...only to have him buy a few more, while on vacation (Perhaps that’s the Shillong effect, where he spent the major part of his childhood . How he loved Shillong! ) That memory now gives us a reason to smile, doesn’t it! And at least a couple of those jackets and sweatshirts will find a permanent place in each of our closets, to be cherished forever...

Cars, driving and travel were some of Papa’s other passions. Talk of roadtrips and the twinkle in his eyes would get ever so brighter. There was a point in time during my childhood, as soon as a new car was in the market, it would be on our driveway and the family would be off on long drives /trips. Needless to say that made our childhood particularly adventurous . He couldn’t imagine himself, living a life where he couldn’t drive or travel.

Above all, Papa was an eternal optimist. He filled our lives and those of near and dear ones with hope and positivity, in the darkest of times. His indomitable spirit and positivity will immensely be missed. We will miss the father and friend he was to us. Ma will miss her “Preetam”. Raya and Rayan will miss their uber cool “Koka/Kaks”. He will be missed in the numerous other roles he played “Dada”/“Borta”/“Mama”/“Moha”/"Üncle" and so on. But one thing is for sure, if all of us are able to live our lives being half as positive, hopeful and optimistic in life as Papa was, life will indeed be a “dream”!

Papa was all heart! Over the past few days, we have been overwhelmed by the multitudes of "Papa" memories from people from all walks of life about the kind of impact Papa had on them and how he touched so many lives in so many ways!

As I got home to Guwahati, and saw him lie in this state of eternal bliss and peace , my heart broke into a million pieces at the realization that it was time for us to let him go. But I have no doubt that he is shining down on us and will do so always, as our guardian angel, whereever he is.

Every time I sneak in to grab a piece of chocolate, hoping no one would notice...every time I see the kids tussle for the TV remote ( Did I tell you ""tv remote tussling"" was a regular part of Papa and my daily rituals, while I was growing up! ), I will look up at the sky to see Papa smiling down at us...perhaps hard at work on his newest engineering passion and innovation, putting many a new age techie to shame. He will be sprinkling angel dust on us, continuing to teach us the importance of positivity, hope and of living life on one’s own terms, but living it to the fullest!

He left like he lived...on his own terms, having lived life to the fullest...if there’s any solace, at all, we can find amidst this overbearing grief and loss, it is that!

Today, I am raising a toast to my dearest Papa, the brightest star in my life - yesterday, today and forever. And knowing him, I can already see him raising a toast back, with that twinkle in his eyes, to a life well lived! That is how he would have wanted us to remember him.