I never really got to say good bye to any of my grandparents...you know what I mean, was never by their bed side when they passed away or when they were not keeping well, was not even there for their final rites...all four of them passed away peacefully, and from what appears, without too much pain...the 'without much pain bit' was a consolation...all of them had led long, fulfilling lives...seen their sons, daughters, grandsons and grandaughters grow up into people in their own right, being an integral part of their struggles, joys and sorrows as they made it through turbulent and good times...
I have very fond memories of their smiling faces, of the unconditional affection and warmth they showered on us, their grandchildren...in a weird kind of way, among all the memories etched in my mind about times spent with my grand parents, a very specific memory always comes to my mind when I think of each of them:
Koka(my paternal granddad): Giving me a hug and saying,"I am proud of you" the last time I saw him, a few months before he passed away.
Aita ma(my maternal grandmom): Her infectious smile and how I would my put my head on her chest and love sleeping with her whenever I visited my maternal home...something that would have the miraculous effect of washing away all my troubles.
Aita (my paternal grandmon): Spending hours in the kitchen to cook some of my favorite dishes and then read out "xadhu kotha"(bed time stories) just before we went to bed during vacations.
Pipi (my maternal granddad): Jumping up in joy in the verandah of my maternal home in Jorhat as he listened to the live commentary of a match winning innings by the Indian cricket team on a dilapidated radio receiver...
They all had a profoundly positive impact on how my personality developed, as I grew up...whether I
have and will be able to live upto their expectations and become the kind of human being they wanted me to grow up to be, is a question that only time will tell and they would be able to answer...
however my memories of them are of happier times, when they themselves were happy, glowing and full of life !!
When each of them suddenly passed away, I was thousands of miles away...I wept and cried ...my family said there was nothing I could do that would change the fact that they were no more...that I should take consolation in the fact that they had led happy, fulfilling lives...that it would be easier on me to remember the happier times and their smiling faces since I had not seen them when they were down and low...So I made a choice to cherish fond memories of growing up in their arms, saying thank you from thousands of miles away, without saying a final good bye in person, out of fear of having memories of those glowing, smiling faces erased from my mind forever...I have taken consolation in that fact all these years, and have been content, cherishing the fond memories
that I have of my grandparents...not for once regretting that I was not by their bed side when they passed away because I wanted to remember only their happy, glowing faces...not once regretting that I wasn't a part of their last rites and final journey...not once regretting, until today...
DD's 'Ata ma', 89 year old maternal grandmom, has been in and out of coma these past couple of weeks...the doctors are gradually beginning to take her off ventilation and life supports systems...the profoundest impact on DD's life apparently has been his maternal grandmom...I have noticed a restlessness of an altogether different magnitude in him these last couple of days...I can feel this inconsolable need in him to hold her hand and say a final good bye...I try using the same consoling words that my parents and family had used on me when they conveyed the news of each one of my grandparents passing away...What I say makes sense to him, but there is no end to the restlessness...So we've made a decision that he is going to travel to India tomorrow to see his grandmon, who has been in the ICU for the past one month...As I visualize him sitting by her bedside, holding her hand...I weep...I weep for him...and in a very selfish kind of way, I weep for myself...for the first time in my life, I regret not being a part of my grandparents' final journey ...I regret not being able to say a final good bye...of not being by their bed side when they were down and out...all of a sudden,I feel there is no better way to say thank you for being there whenever we've needed them...or maybe, there is...but that, only they know...so I regret and weep nevertheless...
I have very fond memories of their smiling faces, of the unconditional affection and warmth they showered on us, their grandchildren...in a weird kind of way, among all the memories etched in my mind about times spent with my grand parents, a very specific memory always comes to my mind when I think of each of them:
Koka(my paternal granddad): Giving me a hug and saying,"I am proud of you" the last time I saw him, a few months before he passed away.
Aita ma(my maternal grandmom): Her infectious smile and how I would my put my head on her chest and love sleeping with her whenever I visited my maternal home...something that would have the miraculous effect of washing away all my troubles.
Aita (my paternal grandmon): Spending hours in the kitchen to cook some of my favorite dishes and then read out "xadhu kotha"(bed time stories) just before we went to bed during vacations.
Pipi (my maternal granddad): Jumping up in joy in the verandah of my maternal home in Jorhat as he listened to the live commentary of a match winning innings by the Indian cricket team on a dilapidated radio receiver...
They all had a profoundly positive impact on how my personality developed, as I grew up...whether I
have and will be able to live upto their expectations and become the kind of human being they wanted me to grow up to be, is a question that only time will tell and they would be able to answer...
however my memories of them are of happier times, when they themselves were happy, glowing and full of life !!
When each of them suddenly passed away, I was thousands of miles away...I wept and cried ...my family said there was nothing I could do that would change the fact that they were no more...that I should take consolation in the fact that they had led happy, fulfilling lives...that it would be easier on me to remember the happier times and their smiling faces since I had not seen them when they were down and low...So I made a choice to cherish fond memories of growing up in their arms, saying thank you from thousands of miles away, without saying a final good bye in person, out of fear of having memories of those glowing, smiling faces erased from my mind forever...I have taken consolation in that fact all these years, and have been content, cherishing the fond memories
that I have of my grandparents...not for once regretting that I was not by their bed side when they passed away because I wanted to remember only their happy, glowing faces...not once regretting that I wasn't a part of their last rites and final journey...not once regretting, until today...
DD's 'Ata ma', 89 year old maternal grandmom, has been in and out of coma these past couple of weeks...the doctors are gradually beginning to take her off ventilation and life supports systems...the profoundest impact on DD's life apparently has been his maternal grandmom...I have noticed a restlessness of an altogether different magnitude in him these last couple of days...I can feel this inconsolable need in him to hold her hand and say a final good bye...I try using the same consoling words that my parents and family had used on me when they conveyed the news of each one of my grandparents passing away...What I say makes sense to him, but there is no end to the restlessness...So we've made a decision that he is going to travel to India tomorrow to see his grandmon, who has been in the ICU for the past one month...As I visualize him sitting by her bedside, holding her hand...I weep...I weep for him...and in a very selfish kind of way, I weep for myself...for the first time in my life, I regret not being a part of my grandparents' final journey ...I regret not being able to say a final good bye...of not being by their bed side when they were down and out...all of a sudden,I feel there is no better way to say thank you for being there whenever we've needed them...or maybe, there is...but that, only they know...so I regret and weep nevertheless...
