The 'why' of a goodbye...

Yesterday, my parents left for home, in India, after a two and a half month stay with us.

We've been trying to mentally prepare Raya for this for the past couple of days, telling her that her "Ma and Koka need to go back to their own home in India"...That " Mamma, Baba and Raya will visit them soon next year" etc. etc. Her initial, vehement , "Ma, Koka ...No go to India ! Ma, Koka...No go to India!" changed to "I want to go to India too!" yesterday morning, followed by a major meltdown ( uncontrollatable shrieks for 'Koka' and 'Ma' ) at the airport, seeing them leave, as they made their way down to the terminal on the escalator.

Goodbyes are tough for the kiddos, for us, and I think more so for the grandparents, whose lives generally tend to revolve around their grand children as age catches on!

I am so glad Raya was able to spend some quality time with D's mom as well as my parents this year! The 'toddler turning into a spoilt brat' factor aside , I think time spent with grandparents enriches the lives of little ones like nothing else can and there is absolutely no substitute for grand parental affection!

We managed to calm Raya down yesterday, after a big struggle, telling her about how she could still talk to 'Ma'/'Koka' on the phone and skype  with them like she does with her Ata. We gave her a ride on what she calls the
"excalator" (escalator) and tried our best to distract her with other stuff.

Today morning she  woke up with the question,
"Mamma ...Ma, Koka gone to India in excalator?...Why mamma?"

While I managed to put together an answer to her "Why mamma?" , the look on her face, as she asked me the question, broke my heart!

Goodbyes are tough indeed! Tougher, when you have to explain the "why of a goodbye" to a little toddler!

P.S:
Raya calls her maternal grandmom, 'Ma'...her maternal granddad, 'Koka'...her paternal grandmom, Ata and her paternal granddad, Dadu.

Regrets...

I never really got to say good bye to any of my grandparents...you know what I mean, was never by their bed side when they passed away or when they were not keeping well, was not even there for their final rites...all four of them passed away peacefully, and from what appears, without too much pain...the 'without much pain bit' was a consolation...all of them had led long, fulfilling lives...seen their sons, daughters, grandsons and grandaughters grow up into  people in their own right, being an integral part of their struggles, joys and sorrows as they made it through turbulent and good times...

I have very fond memories of their smiling faces, of the unconditional affection and warmth they showered on us, their grandchildren...in a weird kind of way, among all the memories etched in my mind about times spent with my grand parents, a very specific memory always comes to my mind when I think of each of them:

Koka(my paternal granddad): Giving me a hug and saying,"I am proud of you" the last time  I saw him, a few months before he passed away.

Aita ma(my maternal grandmom): Her infectious smile and how I would my put my head on her chest and love sleeping with her whenever I visited my maternal home...something  that would have the miraculous effect of washing away all my troubles.

Aita (my paternal grandmon): Spending hours in the kitchen to cook some of my favorite dishes and then read out "xadhu kotha"(bed time stories) just before we went to bed during vacations.

Pipi (my maternal granddad): Jumping up in joy in the verandah of my maternal home in Jorhat as he listened to the live commentary of a match winning innings by the Indian cricket team on a  dilapidated radio receiver...

They all had a profoundly positive impact on how my personality developed, as I grew up...whether I
have and will be able to live upto their expectations and become the kind of human being they wanted me to grow up to be, is a question that only time will tell and they would be able to answer...
however my memories of them are of happier times, when they themselves were happy, glowing and full of life !!

When each of them suddenly passed away, I was thousands of miles away...I wept and cried ...my family said there was nothing I could do that would change the fact that they were no more...that I should take consolation in the fact that they had led happy, fulfilling lives...that it would be easier on me to remember the happier times and their smiling faces since I had not seen them when they were down and low...So I made a choice to cherish fond memories of growing up  in their arms, saying thank you from thousands of miles away, without saying a final good bye in person, out of fear of having memories of those glowing, smiling faces erased from my mind forever...I have taken consolation in that fact all these years, and have been content, cherishing the fond memories
that I have of my grandparents...not for once regretting that I was not by their bed side when they passed away because I wanted to remember only their happy, glowing faces...not once regretting that I wasn't a part of their last rites and final journey...not once regretting, until today...

DD's 'Ata ma', 89 year old maternal grandmom, has been in and out of coma these past couple of weeks...the doctors are gradually beginning  to take her off ventilation and life supports systems...the  profoundest impact on DD's life apparently has been his maternal grandmom...I have noticed a restlessness of an altogether different magnitude in him these last couple of days...I can feel this inconsolable need in him to hold her hand and say a final good bye...I try using the same consoling words that my parents and family had used on me when they conveyed the news of each one of my grandparents passing away...What I say makes sense to him, but there is no end to the restlessness...So we've made a decision that he is going to travel to India tomorrow to see his grandmon, who has been in the ICU for the past one month...As I visualize him sitting by her bedside, holding her hand...I weep...I weep for him...and in a very selfish kind of way, I weep for myself...for the first time in my life, I regret not being a part of my grandparents' final journey ...I regret not being able to say a final good bye...of not being by their bed side when they were down and out...all of a sudden,I feel there is no better way to say thank you for being there whenever we've needed them...or maybe, there is...but that, only they know...so I regret and weep nevertheless...

A generation gone by...

Yesterday night papa called to let us know that aita (my paternal grandmom) was no more...Aita had not been keeping well for sometime now, though everyone back home says that the dignity with which she carried herself in those last few days, while she struggled with her illness, was incredible ...However as anyone can imagine , even the most expected news is difficult to accept when we are actually faced with it...so while papa tried his best to try and make it easy for us to accept the news with as much dignity as Aita would have wanted, by repeatedly emphasising that she passed away peacefully, without any pain whatsoever, tears rolled down my cheeks and I wept into my pillow at the thought of not ever again seeing that beautiful lady e who made that lovely house on the hilltop in Guwahati a HOME, a home where all of us grandchildren have spent many a cherishable moment..

I have been one of those fortunate ones , who has had a chance to spend significant amount of time with both sets of grandparents, and as I look back at the influences in my life these past three decades ...I see a bit of each four of them in myself today...and notice a predominant influence of both sets of grandparents on how my life has shaped up, thus far...

My maternal grandfather, a lawyer by profession,well known in Jorhat as the Nana ukil, was a warm, loving , witty and jolly man , who believed in living life to the fullest...perhaps it was from him that I learnt to love life, without too many complaints and to cherish and capture the little moments of life that make it so beautiful...

My maternal grandmom,Aita ma, was a beautiful lady, who was one of the most loving ,warm, affectionate and broadminded women of her times...her beautiful smile and the warmth of her embrace exuded a charm and joy , that was infectious...never heard her utter a foul word about anyone ever...she embraced friends and acquaintances of her children and grandchildren like her own...so much so that, I remember, as soon as I would tell my friends that my grandmom was visiting us, they would be dying to see her , listen to her stories and revel in her delicious cooking....married at the tender age of 9 and despite her limited formal education, she was the most open minded on worldly issues and in matters of the heart, alike...she carried her heart on her sleeves...and taught me to love and be loved...

My paternal granddad, Koka, was an academician by profession, a philanthropist in words and deeds...a humble soul who achieved accolades that are still held in awe even after his lifetime...the kind of goodwill and respect that he earned among his peers and the generations that followed with his noble deeds make people bow down in respect at the mention of his name even today...he had an aura, in the glory of which we , his grandchildren, bask even today when we visit Assam...he inculcated in us the values of respecting other human beings irrespective of caste,creed, religion and social standing, of humility, of empathy, of learning, of open mindedness, of not misusing the power and responsibility that we have, as humans...

And then of course,Aita, my dear paternal grandmom, a beautiful lady who was eons ahead of her times as far as lifetime achievements are concerned...a beautiful lady who was a writer, classical singer, a classical dancer, a thespian, a youth activist all rolled in one, while being the lovely grandmother that she was to all of us...She won many an accolade for her writings, her short stories, her translations of great English works like Jane Eyre to Assamese as well as for her many other talents....She epitomised the modern Indian women ...getting married to the man she loved against all odds, driving her own car, being independent while adhering to the basic values that make our family what it is today...she personified strength and dignity as she battled many a physical and mental battle that has helped the family overcome many a crisis...I guess it is that love, respect , strength and confidence needed for dignified living that I have acquired from her in some form...

Whenever I go back home to Assam, there are invariably multiple moments and occasions when people ask me my grandparents' names and as soon as I tell them, there is almost an involuntary, innate sense of respect and awe that fills their beings and demonstrates itself in their bearings...needless to say, it fills my heart with pride ...it makes be feel happy...it makes be feel fortunate and privileged ...and sometimes, it also does make me feel sad as well at the thought that I will probably not be able to do justice to that legacy and lineage I have been blessed with...

Over the years, while trying to deal with this quagmire and maze that this world and life is, I have often struggled to deal with situations that require aggressiveness, a killer instinct, a mean streak, a cynical view of people and the world ...things that are more often than not needed to get your way or make it big in the world today...I have often attributed this inability to my upbringing...but have time and again invariably failed in defying my upbringing to fit into the more cliched versions of people and the world like it is this day...

Today, as I remember Aita, Koka, Aita ma and Pipi....these are glimpses that fleet past my mind...the glimpse of Pipi throwing me into the air in joy as he celebrated the win of his favorite cricket team, the glimpse of cuddling up to aita ma, while she told me stories and fed me my favorite dish, the glimpse of Koka sitting on the lawns of "Anandam" , giving me a hug and telling me how proud he was of me on some achivement, the glimpse of Aita lying down in bed next to me and reading out stories while she tried to put me to sleep...glimpses and moments that have made me "ME"...glimpses and moments that make me realize how fortunate I have been to have had the upbringing I have had...to have been loved as much as I have... to have been taught to love life, people and this world....to have been born to the son and daughter of these four beautiful human beings...

With the passing away of Aita ,a whole generation has passed by...We love you aita and we will miss you...

Assam...Guwahati..."Anandam", home and life as I know it, will never be the same again...