Board games and toddler lessons...

I have never been a big fan of any specific board game other than scrabble and chess...the love for scrabble and chess being primarily due to  nostalgia associated with the times spent with grandparents and extended family, playing these on many a Sunday afternoon. The dislike for the broader genre of board games has been primarily due to the fact that as an adult, in a social environment, I have often observed that the competition and aggressiveness associated with the desire to win a game, specifically the so called 'strategy' games often takes the charm away from a perfectly enjoyable social evening. I have also often noticed that  the lure of these games, socially, results in folks being more interested in knowing about  the strategies a specific person used in a game in the past few  meetings, rather than  the more important and real things going on in their lives, at a personal level. That's a big turn off for me sometimes . I would much rather spend an evening chatting with a friend about the going ons in life and learn a few life lessons from shared and individual experiences rather than sitting at a table, playing a  strategy board game, manipulating or getting manipulated by another player :). Sometimes the line between strategy and manipulation in these 'big kid/adult' board games seems too thin for my liking. But that's just me being me:).To each his own, of course! Either way, I will have  to caveat this with the fact that I do acknowledge that, when played in the right spirit, there are a lot of skills that we can consciously and subconsciously imbibe from playing board games...diplomacy, goal setting, creative problem solving, the habit of abiding by rules, judicious risk management and just the simple fact of life that you win some and you lose some..to name just a few!

I have also realized that the benefits of board games and the skills that one can imbibe from playing board games are particularly magnified in the context of what some of the games meant for kids, can potentially teach them...number and shape recognition, grouping, counting, letter recognition and reading, visual perception and color recognition, eye-hand coordination and manual dexterity, verbal communication, sharing, patience, taking turns, and just enjoying interaction with others. Board games for kids can foster the ability to focus, and lengthen a child's attention span by encouraging the completion of an exciting, enjoyable game. Even simple board games like 'Chutes and Ladders' offer meta-messages and life skills aka the simple message : your luck can change in an instant...for the better or for the worse. So never give up. Just when you feel despondent, you might hit the jackpot and ascend up high, if you stay in the game for just a few more moves. Small lessons, big lessons, life lessons.

So essentially what I am trying to get at is the fact that the notion of parenting and just the presence of my little munchkin in our lives, has made me look at board games from a completely different perspective, like so many other things in life :)

In this context, here's a specific bitter-sweet incident that happened at home. So last time my parents were here, they got Raya a board game involving alphabets and numbers. The rules of the game are pretty simple. 52 cards with a little or big alphabet written on it with a picture of an associated object that starts with the alphabet. A board with 52 blocks/squares again with alternate little and big alphabets. A spinner that that would make the needle land in any number from 1 to 4 to determine the number of moves a player needs to make towards the final goal. Each time a player lands on a block/square, the player gets the corresponding alphabet card, unless another player already has the card in his/her possession by virtue of having landed on the block earlier. As soon as one player crosses the finish line, the player with the maximum number of cards is declared the winner.

'D' and Raya first started playing this game. Initially, playfully, whenever 'D' would land on a block/square , the card for which already belonged to Raya, 'D' would get a bit melodramatic in front of Raya, pretending to be  sad and tearful and little munchkin would immediately feel sorry for him and hand over her card to him with, "Ok, Baba...I am sharing my card with you". This went on for a while, and at the end of the game, when it was time to count the cards, 'D' did not volunteer to give the cards he had gotten from Raya, back. He just waited to see if she would just forget about those, which would be sad since it would mean she was accepting defeat after being playfully 'cheated'. The 'hooray' moment was when she began counting her own cards and soon enough told 'D', 'Baba, I gave you 3 cards. Give them back to me!' :)

So that's that. On the flip side, Raya thought the way 'D' was playing the game was a rule in the game. So when she started playing the board game with me, she would do the same. She would give me her cards, when I landed on a block/square, the alphabet card for which, she already possessed. She would voluntarily give the cards to me, because that's how she played with her 'Baba' and expect me to do the same. When I resisted taking her cards, saying that that was not the rule , she just said, 'But mama, you will give me back the cards at the end.I am sharing with you'. Involuntarily, my immediate response to that was, 'Raya, I will give your cards back to you. Not everyone will'. As soon as I uttered the sentence, I literally bit my tongue. I can only hope that she didn't get a vibe of that inherent adult cynicism in that statement...that inherent lack of trust, which I rarely exhibit, being the optimist that I am .I was quite upset at having uttered that cynical statement to my innocent, completely moldable pre-schooler. But that's that. There was nothing that I could do to take it back. So I just let the statement brush over, gave her the cards that belonged to her and moved on. There was nothing more to do. On another note, the concept of 'You win some, you lose some', of course, is  still quite alien to my little  toddler LOL. As of now, she always wants to win board games and get a surprise at the end of the game from 'Mamma' or 'Baba'. There is invariably a fit thrown when that doesn't happen. Oh well, we are working towards getting over that hill...one small step at a time...sometime soon, sometime soon... the magic will manifest itself!:)

Happy Tuesday folks! Enjoy the rest of the week.

The paradox of Indian mythology and the times when your munchkin makes you feel dumb...

Raya is obsessed with some specific Indian mythological characters ever since we got her a book comprising a compilation of stories of 'Lord' Krishna. While there are quite a few life lessons to be learnt from Indian mythological stories, accompanying some of these life lessons are also some regressive concepts . These can be quite confusing for little ones .

In subtle ways, some stories in the book demonstrate concepts I really wouldn't want my little daughter to get exposed to at this age. For example, some of the stories very casually glorify concepts like polygamy by mentioning Krishna and his multiple wives. 'D' and I were quite at a loss when at a point in one of the stories, when Krishna accepts the hand of an 'indebted' King's daughter for marriage, Raya posed the very valid question, 'Why is Krishna marrying again? He already has a wife .Rukmini is his wife.' Then there is an instance where a King and his wife offer prayers / sacrifices and go through a whole lot of painful rituals to have a boy borne to them after a series of daughters. These are only just a couple of the concepts that I find pretty regressive in mythological stories. We literally have to make conscious efforts to tone down stories wherever possible to bring out meaningful social messages and moral lessons, that would prove useful in Raya's development . It's tough though and it can be quite overwhelming trying to answer questions to a 3.5 year old as truthfully as possible, and in ways that would add value to her life!

That's for the darker side . On the brighter side, there are quite a few other important life lessons to be imbibed by little ones from these stories . Most of us are aware of the significance of those .  I have also  learnt quite a 
few names of Indian mythological characters, myself, from my little munchkin. Characters I was not quite aware of or remember. My little one loses no chance to remind me that Krishna's bird is called Garuda ...how Garuda helps Krishna save many a kingdom ...how Mura and Narakasura, the bad boys are punished by Krishna etc. etc.

In fact, it was quite comical when once, in a confused state, Raya made a statement, 'Mama, maybe Krishna is a bad boy because he hits people with his discus' . Oh well, now what could I say about that,coming from a land that worships Krishna, the polygamist, and all his incarnations :)

Now that's that. Obsessed that Raya is with this book of Krishna stories, yesterday while browsing through the book, she came across a picture where Krishna's body appeared purple rather than the conventional blue that generally everyone associates personifications of Krishna with. Raya asked,  'Who made Krishna purple, mama?' I was in the middle of something and tried my best to provide an answer that would make sense to her, 'Raya, the people who wrote the book' . Pop came a completely unexpected statement from Raya, 'Mama, you mean the author and the illustrator?'. I was too dumbfounded to react ! Felt really dumb and just about manageed to say, 'Yes', in response to her query. Once I had recovered enough, I asked Raya, 'Raya, how do you know about the author and the illustrator ?' . Munchkin replied, 'Ms. Amber told us that author writes books and illustrator draws pictures'

Ms. Amber is Raya's class teacher at  pre-school. This is one of the instances that I have  not blushed, but instead have actually felt good and laughed out loud at being made to feel dumber. So thank you Ms.Amber for all that you do for my little munchkin. Here's hoping that there will be many more such 'feeling dumber' moments for me!

The pros and cons of 'being different'...

So yesterday, a very close friend of mine, 'M', called me from India and she started with "Chints, I need to vent". She is one of the few friends I have a "no holds barred" relationship with. Over the years, I have learnt to brace myself into the therapist, philosopher, guide mode as soon as I hear the words, 'I need to vent'.  Jokes aside, she was in the middle of some nasty office politics along with some social life drama, that had made her really jittery and upset. I of course, used my usual way of rationalizing 'people' behavior, trying to make her understand that it's ok to give people the benefit of the doubt once in a while, while preparing oneself to  keep a safe distance from them as soon as streaks of meanness and interference grow to more than a semblance.  I believe that's the best way to protect oneself from getting hurt, while still maintaining a reasonably amicable relationship with the person/people concerned. Of course, it's tougher in the office/work scenario, given that you cannot afford to become invisible by mentally pushing yourself/others to the periphery, in an effort to maintain an amicable  relationship. I do believe, however, it's much easier in the  social scenario, specially when it involves people one has known only for a few years. They shouldn't be given more attention than they deserve. Childhood friends and family are the only ones worth putting in a fight for.

After an hour long conversation, she seemed to have calmed down enough and the conversation moved on to other topics. At the end of the conversation, 'M' just said,'Thank God for you in my life!You always calm me down.You know na you are different'. I could visualize her smile at her end and it made me smile too. I knew what she meant. Haven't I heard that often enough..."You are different"...different because apparently I demonstrate incredible amount of (some of my friends often say, 'undeserved') patience and tolerance in dealing with people and their mean streaks that surface in different ways...folks would really have to pin me to the wall and have me pinned there for sometime, before seeing me lash out in any form, if at all...different because apparently I am not a people pleaser...different because apparently I never feel the need to suck up to anyone or put on  pretenses...different because apparently I come across as very confident and secure in my relationships...different because apparently I have the capability to let go of relationships that are not  working without much ado about them...different because I have this uncanny ability to either mentally pull myself out into the periphery or push relationships/people to the periphery, without feeling the need to be in the centre of it all, while still having amicable relationships.Of course, the downside of 'being different' in these contexts is that often times, it gets construed as aloofness, snobbery by folks who don't know you well enough...it also more often than not results in being taken for granted...in sometimes folks keeping you pinned to the wall for longer that you can tolerate:(. Oh well, that comes with the territory.

But what folks often miss is that, 'being different' in these contexts is more often than not a conscious choice. The core of emotions that all people go through in being treated 'un fairly/badly' is always the same. It's the same for me ...it's the same for you. But over a period of time, partly due to my inherent personality, partly due to my upbringing, partly due to my early exposure to different kinds of people and flavors of personalities as part of my college/hostel life, I have realized that 'being different' in all the above mentioned ways is not all that bad. It just means you would end up with a few very close
relationships in life that would be 'keepers' for life...all other relationships would be peripheral, but it would be your choice to give them just enough importance or not enough importance so that they bring joy to your life, rather than stress and disappointment:)

On a lighter note, madam Raya asked me this morning if my office was a 'play office' like her 'play school'...oh well I definitely wish it was. It was 'Share and Show' day in school for her today, and she was insisting that I get a toy from home to share in my 'play office' with my friends. Oh well. With all the thunderstorms hitting the Washinghton DC area, these hot summer evenings, madam Raya is also fascinated by clouds. Leaving you with a clip of what she has to say about clouds.

"We are on the same page, right?"

As parents of a very active 3.5 year old, who very definitely has a mind of her own, a phrase that's very commonly used in conversations by both 'D' and 'I' is 'be on the same page'. More often than not, one of us tends to soften up when trying to teach/discipline Raya, and we constantly have to remind each other how important it is for us to be on the same page, to prevent our 3.5 year old from playing one of us against the other. In fact, the phrase is so prevalent in the Das household that Raya seems to have taken quite a fancy to it.

In this context, the other day, while 'D' was on his way to drop off Raya at day care, Raya made a statement('D' wasn't paying much attention to the usual toddler chatterand doesn't remember the details of the statement') and as a mode of getting confirmation from 'D' shouted out," We are on the same page, right, Baba?" from the back seat with the roll of her eyes that invariably accompanies all her statements when she is trying to make sure we are getting her message. The use of the phrase "on the same page" obviously caught 'D's attention and he grinned from ear to ear, while answering in the affirmative, just for the heck of it. That evening, at the dinner table, 'D' and I were trying to coax Raya to wrap up dinner and were eventually  forced to take a stern stand. 'D', who is the default disciplinarian, in the family, asked Raya in a very stern voice to wrap up dinner or be ready for a time out. The smallest of stern words from  her Baba/Mamma are enough to make Raya burst into bucket loads of tears  and it was no different this time around. As tears rolled down her cheeks, Raya inconsolably burst out, "But baba , way long back you said we are on the same page. We have to be on the same page!" Now, if that's not enough to make any form of disciplining measures fade
into oblivion and make Raya's Mama/Baba get engulfed in fits of laughter, I wonder what will be!

On another note, I have this habit of using the word 'Nautanki' (Hindi word that translates to "drama", in English) in certain contexts. You know, I'll probably say something like, "Tired of the 'Nautanki'" or just exclaim "All the 'Nautanki'!" when transiently annoyed with hoopla/pettiness about stuff in life that doesn't deserve too much attention. Anyways, madam Raya found her own way of using this term :) So the other day, 'D' picked Raya up from day care and asked her to rush inside as soon as they reached home, because she had to change and we had to head out to someone's home. 'D' stayed outside to water the plants. Raya was upset because she wanted to help 'D' water the plants and he forced her to go into the home instead. Of course, I was inside the house  and Madam Raya came whining to me, with small streaks of tears rolling down her cheeks, "Mama, Mama...I am disappointed with Baba!" I asked her, "Why, Raya?" She replied,"Because...because he won't let me water the plants!" and within a fraction of second, most unexpectedly followed in up with, "All the 'Nautanki'!"....LOL...I was so shocked and amused, I literally rolled on the couch with laughter,
while she continued whining about why she was disappointed with her Baba.

So that's that...all the fatigue and exhaustion of bringing up a toddler gets wiped off by the day to day proliferation of such toddler entertainment! Happy parenting folks!

The 'technology' dilemma...

As I was browsing through some of my blog posts last evening, I came across this from six years ago,  http://www.sliceoflife-priyanka.blogspot.com/2009/08/lost-and-found.html. In the past six years, since I wrote this piece some things have changed further, while some things have stayed the same. I am glad for the things that have changed as well as for those that haven't. In the context of this post, I have realized the changes, more often than not, push us more towards a technology indulgent world. While the constants stop us from getting carried away in the waves of technology and keep us grounded by keeping the social/interactive element of being a human, alive! But both are equally important-the changes and the constants. Striking the right balance perhaps is what's the toughest part.

In this context, let me narrate an incident that happened a couple of weeks back. Raya was busy with some coloring activity at home, when suddenly she jumped up and said, "Mama, mama...I am done...look it (pulling up the  sheet of paper, she had just splashed colors on)...is this pretty?" I said, "Yes Raya good job...give me a high five". She happily jumped up and gave me a high five and then said, "I want to show this to Ma, Koka and Ata". I replied, "Ok you can show it to them when you Skype with them tomorrow". What Raya told me next, came as a real surprise. She said, "Mama, email...email...email it "! I was completely taken aback. 'D' and 'I' probably use the word email often with our parents. She has heard us telling our parents that we'll email the pictures to them and  I am assuming Raya probably picked the word,'email'  up from our conversations and used the word, the first time she got a chance, being completely oblivious to the fact that she was actually using the word in the right context. I then told her there are multiple ways she can send her painting to her grandparents. "You can show your drawing to them on skype, you can email it to them or you can write a note on it ...maybe draw a heart, write your name and post it, so that the postman delivers the actual piece of paper to them...They will love it". I really don't know how much of it made sense to her. I did feel rather silly, asking her to 'snail mail' it, given that she wanted to show the painting to her grandparents immediately...not practical...but it just stemmed from my need to help her understand the emotion associated with receiving a hand written note from someone far away...this incident and a set of similar others made me realize that a great responsibility lies on our shoulders, as a very important realization dawned on me...

...the realization that our generation ,is perhaps the last generation of people to have had a complete taste of the world and it's workings before the prevalence of the world wide web and after. We are probably the last generation of  people who, as adolescents and teenagers, have known the joy of rummaging through encyclopaedias and "Tell me Why's" to get the answers to the 'why, what, when, how' of our questions, in an era when thick encyclopaedias and word of mouth were the
most conclusive ways of satiating our curiosity, and then, as adults, have gotten  used to getting some of those same answers through the search of a few words on wikipedia or a search engine on the world wide web via a phone or laptop. We are probably the last generation of people, who, as teenagers, were used to print on paper being the only mode of reading content and then, as
adults, progressed to the convenient use of audio books, kindles and other electronic devices to read content in conjunction with print on paper. We may, for all you know, be the last generation of people, who will ever completely understand the lure of reading a printed book on paper, with a cup of coffee in hand, with rain pit patting on the roof vs reading the same content on an electronic device. We are probably the last generation of people who will understand both the charm of handwritten journals and the convenience and lure of blogging. We are probably the last generation of people, who cherish the handwritten note, thought about and posted weeks in advance to reach you on your special day, while also being uplifted by social media messages, triggered by automated notifications. To say the least, we are a rather unique generation to have had the opportunity to have seen and been a part of this big transition.
  
Having gotten this unique opportunity comes with it's fair share of responsibility. It's on our shoulders to try and demonstrate the benefits and pitfalls of all the options that children have, in every sphere of life, with or without technology. The choice has to be finally made by them, though. I am inclined to believe that being on either extreme of the parenting spectrum as far as technology
is concerned, isn't going to help our children. In a world where technology proliferates, not providing kids with sufficient guided exposure to technological capabilities and gadgets, may end up being a big disservice to them, in the long run. And of course, we all know the effects of too much exposure.

As I see it now, my little 3.5 year old daughter wouldn't have been able to establish and maintain the kind of connection she has with her grandparents and extended family, who live thousands and thousands of miles away, without all the technology that is available to us. She does learn a lot of good things from educational apps as well as tv programs. As long as this level of exposure
does not impede her ability to interact and gain knowledge through direct social interactions as well, I think it's a win-win situation! However like a lot of other things related to bringing up kids, being able to keep this a win- win situation is a responsibility that we parents bear. It doesn't take long for a win win situation to take a down hill plunge.

'D' and 'I' are taking small steps to keep up the 'technology' balance at home. We love technology and the benefits it offers. We also love living and experiencing life through people to people, people to nature interactions. I, for one, am starting with a very, very small step. A month or so back, I realized, when I was not at work, sometimes there was an impulsive need to just pick up the phone if it was in front of me and spend a few minutes browsing through messages, news articles, blogs, social media. Absolutely not needed during family time or when you are around people, but an impulse. This meant sometimes it, unwittingly infringed upon family time and potentially sent the wrong signals to my little daughter about social interactions. So for now, my very small step at contributing to the 'technology' balance at home  is to resist such impluses  specially when around family/friends and involved in interactions...news/blog browsing, texting, social media access are limited to twice a day...once in the AM...once in the PM...if someone needs to get in touch with me urgently, they will call me anyways! It may sound a silly thing to do to many of you but I am working hard at this for the past month...it's working and believe me, it can be really uplifting, as weird as it may sound!:)

So here's to many more months and years of discipline in maintaining the "technology" balance at home and ensuring that the use of technology is always a win-win situation for us and our little ones!

Life's little moments...toddler hair dressing tips...

(Via Facebook Timeline on April 16,2015)

In the middle of the weekday morning madness that's typical in the Das household, while I am busy trying to do Raya's hair and 'perfect' those teeny weeny pig tails, madam Raya decides to dole out her own hair dressing fundas.

Raya: Mama, if you don't put the bands on my pig tails and roll my hair like this ( accompanies it with some hilarious hair 'rolling' or rather 'folding' gestures), I will not be Raya anymore.

Yours truly: If you won't be Raya, who will you become?

Raya: Hmmm...( Ponders for a couple of seconds ) and then asks in a thoughtful mood, "What is the name of the girl who sings the 'Roar' song ?"

Yours truly: Ahhh...Katy Perry?

Raya: Yes, Katy Perry. If you roll my hair like this( again follows it up   with the same funny hair 'rolling'/'folding' gestures), I will not be Raya. I will be Katy Perry!

Oh well , of course LOL. Katy Perry or not , this was enough to make the home reverberate with 'roars' of laughter on a chaotic Thursday morning!

Being comfortable in one's own skin...

I believe , the most important lesson that a parent can possibly try to imbibe in a child is to be comfortable in his/her own skin. It's a really tough lesson to impart, but if, as parents, we succeed in achieving that, I believe it's the first and most important lesson in enabling a child to lead a life unfettered by complexes and insecurities...it is the one and only ingredient that will enable our little ones to truly bask in the joy of living.

To keep it very simple, from what it appears to me, the very basic trait of a person who is comfortable in his/her own skin is the ability to have a hearty laugh at himself/herself! It may sound odd that I say it, but without this very basic sense of humor, it is really not possible to be comfortable in one's own skin. In addition to this quality, such a person generally:
- Has the ability to embrace his/her uniqueness and associated quirks
- Doesn't nurture stereotypical  notions of body image...You know the drill, "Thin is good...fat is bad.".   That of course doesn't imply that the person is not aware of the benefits of generally being healthy.  What it does mean is that being a size '0' and having a thin waist or a good physique is not the primary driver in his/her life. A few pounds here and there need not result in bouts of anorexia.
- Doesn't nurture stereotypical notions of culture or indulge in prejudices...You know the drill..."Asians do this, so that... African Americans do this, so that...White Americans do this, so that" etc. etc. This doesn't mean the person  does not attempt to understand differences in culture, what it does mean is that the person accepts the 'good'  and 'bad' of different cultures and basks in the glory of diversity rather than spending time slotting people, being prejudiced and giving preferential treatment.
- Doesn't nurture stereotypical notions of social, economic and intellectual disparities. Such a person is very comfortable   interacting with people belonging to different sections of society without  being arrogant/insecure about one's own pre-conceived notion of 'superiority'/'inferiority'. Such people are able to absorb life lessons like a sponge through interactions with people across diverse sections of the society.
- Has the confidence to stand up for himself/herself and others when the need arises, if that seems to be the right thing to do, without unduly weighing gains and losses to oneself. Can fight 'his/her' own battles and  make 'his/her' point without using anyone else as a shield.

Essentially a person comfortable in his/her own skin is secure, content, is able to bask in the glory of life experiences and is confident of making the most of what life has to give him/her....which in turn, I am assuming translates to happiness?! Such a person is tolerant and easy-going and doesn't feel the need to indulge in pettiness to fit into stereotypical moulds or to please people.

What about the traits of people who don't seem comfortable in their own skin:
-Inability to laugh at oneself.  Not to say there is a complete lack of a sense of humour. It's just that often times the inability to laugh at oneself is accompanied by a sense of humour that is furtive and sneaky...you know the kinds who get  huge kicks out of  laughing behind people's backs, without having the guts to laugh on anyone's face!
-Driven by stereotypical notions of body image
-Driven by stereotypical notions of culture and hence often indulge in prejudices.
-Driven by stereotypical notions of social, economic and intellectual disparities. And hence find it very difficult to adapt to sections of society where 'he/she' doesn't think 'he/she' belongs. More often than not 'arrogant/insecure' in interactions. More often than not, very judgemental.
-Often fiercely competitive about every aspect of life. Not to say, these folks are not good at what they do, but are extremely  competitive nevertheless and have an inherent urge to be one up on others, all the time. Some may say, that's needed to survive in today's world. Killer instinct, it is called. Oh well!
-People pleasers. They often do anything that's needed to please the people/section of the society they think they will benefit from or they want to fit into. Change colors as often as needed
-Never content with what they have. Always in search of something more. A 'better' house...a 'better' car...a 'better' dress ...a 'better' friend...maybe even a 'better' husband/wife:). Some may say, it's motivation to 'do'/'achieve' something 'better'.Oh well!! :)
-Never able to stand up for oneself or for others, without having something "major" to gain from it. Oh well, isn't that the way the world rolls!!Perhaps!

Either way, for a person not comfortable in his/her own skin , it is a life-long search for the next 'better' thing to fit into a 'stereotype' and life often ends up being full of complexes and insecurities.

Being comfortable in one's own skin isn't easy, but if you are , you are one of the really fortunate ones! It is also something that cannot be consciously taught to a child, without living and breathing it in your own day to day life. So here's to bringing up children who are comfortable in their own skin and enabling them to bask in the glory of all that life has to offer!